Thursday, February 24, 2011

my mental illness

lately i've received an overwhelming number of kind words from all of you dear readers.  i'm so humbled and grateful for your support, but i have been feeling more and more convicted to be honest about the fact that my life is not the picture-perfect depiction that it seems in this blog.  sure, my blog is full of my favorite things, people and memories.  i love having a blog that reminds me of all the good in my life and can serve as my happy place. but i've been feeling that my blog life and my real life are becoming increasingly disconnected.  in my blogging world i've kept the lid tight on one of the toughest things i struggle with in my real life, and to continue to keep quiet about something that i daily wrestle with is making me feel like a big fat lier. 

a couple days ago i got to chat with lynn from the actor's diet.  what i love most about lynn's blog is her honesty about her relationship and struggles with food.  i've been thinking a lot about how i want my blog to also be a place where i can be honest about how hard life is sometimes.  it's not all cupcakes and pretty dresses.  life is TOUGH.  but we find ways to cope, to pull through, and to even rise above.  i want my blog to show each piece of this journey.  

so, the real truth about my life is that i have clinical OCD.  usually when i tell people this they respond with "oh, i have some of that too..." and then they proceed to tell me that they like their pillows stacked a certain way or they like their kitchen sink to sparkle.  THIS IS NOT OCD, this is completely normal {and it is highly disrespectful to respond that way to someone who actually struggles with OCD. the best thing you can do is just listen and empathize}.    

what is OCD?  in the simplest terms, it involves an extra pathway between two parts of my brain that shouldn't be there.  that means, my brain and body see certain things, that are not at all dangerous, as being incredibly threatening.  OCD means that when i drop my scarf on my living room floor {which in my mind is a dirty, dangerous place} it suddenly feels as though my puppy is trapped in a burning building and i'm forced to watch.  i wish this were an exaggeration, but sadly, it is not.  i often feel like there is a Sane Me being held captive by my own brain who tortures me with feelings of being in extreme danger.  most of you watch glee and are familiar with the way emma handles the world around her.  it seems cute and funny in the show, but that's what life is really like for me.  and it sucks!

OCD is incredibly irrational.  when i experience these "danger" feelings and burst out crying, or begin a panic attack, i KNOW without a doubt that the feelings are unwarranted.  i know there's no need to fear a scarf falling on my floor, i know that it's all in my head.  but it's incredibly difficult to ignore these thoughts when your body is reacting so strongly.  OCD is also incredibly unpredictable.  there are certain things that are actually dirty and gross that don't bother me at all.  when i work with dirty little kids in therapy, i don't think about the germs, and i probably clean my shower twice a year.  those things just don't bother me.  yeah, i don't get it either, but that's just the way OCD works.

it's easy for me to hide my OCD when i'm out with friends.  i've learned to cope pretty well so that people out in the world don't notice too easily.  but at home it's a very different story.  until last august, i had lived alone for 10 years.  it was awesome to have my own apartment where i could live however i needed to.  but now that i'm living with the mister, it's hard to keep things "safe."  also, having another person who is living totally normally in my home, sure makes the things i do to avoid germs that much more painfully obvious.

 {photo}

recently, i was given the stylish blogger award by a couple sweet ladies, alli and kaylia.  since i had already done one of these including fun facts not too long ago, i thought i would use this opportunity to share 7 facts about my struggles with OCD {although, believe me, there are far more than 7}:

1. for me, it mostly revolves around germs {although i have a few non-germ compulsions}.  there is no logical fear of getting sick or dying, there is no "what happens if i catch germs."  the germs themselves are the horrible, awful, terrifying things that send me into a panic if i'm near them.  and it's not that i'm afraid of only dirty things.  i get incredibly anxious about things that my mind deems dirty.  so even though a pair of shoes are brand new, the simple fact that they are shoes means that they are "dirty" and life threatening.  

2.  i wash my hands, on average, about 30-35 times a day.  sometimes i wear gloves to touch things, and then immediately throw the gloves away, careful not to touch the outside of them where they have been contaminated.  i never go anywhere without a giant stack of disinfectant wipes in my bag.  i'm constantly disinfecting my hands, bag, clothes and even hair if it touches something out in the world.

3. once i was late to class because i couldn't stop checking my front door to make sure it was locked.  i would try to leave, but my brain and body told me something horrible was going to happen because i wasn't SURE if my door was locked, even though i had just checked it.  i would check the door, begin to walk away, and feel so overwhelmed that i would go back and check it again.  i did this for 20 minutes, sobbing the entire time because i knew i was being ridiculous, but i just couldn't stop.  

4. the floor and ground are dirty.  always.  everywhere.  even if i have just cleaned my own floors in my own house, i can't use or touch something that has fallen on it, and i certainly can't sit on it myself.  i have house shoes that never go outside, yard shoes that never come in the house nor out into the world, and world shoes that i only wear out, all so that i won't contaminate my home or yard with certain germs.  i am the exact same with my clothes.  out-in-the-world clothes are never worn in the house.  i have been known to strip down just outside of my door, put my clothes in a plastic bag, and disinfected my hands before going inside my home.  where had i been that made me so "dirty?"  the DMV.  logically i knew i wasn't dirty, but i saw a woman move her purse from the ground to an empty chair, which i then had to sit in later.  in my mind it was the same thing as having to sit on the floor because the germs had been transferred to the chair on her bag.  

5.  two weeks ago i had a panic attack {something that happens fairly often for me} in the car because the day before the mister had given someone i didn't know a ride in it.  suddenly the whole car felt disastrously unclean and we had to stop on the side of the road to let me out.  we had to spend the entire rest of the day roaming around a "clean" neighborhood just so i could calm down enough to get back in the car and drive home.

6.  i don't use shoes with shoelaces because the laces touch the ground, which is a "dirty" place, so then i wouldn't be able to touch the laces to tie them.  plus, even if i got the laces tied somehow, there would be something really "dirty" sitting on top of my shoes everywhere i go, touching the bottom of my pants, which would then cause my pants to become contaminated and then my legs... and it goes on and on from there.

7.  i never touch the door knob to a bathroom.  i know lots of people do this out at public restrooms, but i do it in my own house too.  i either use toilet paper or "dirty" clothes to open the bathroom door.


i know this all sounds totally crazy, but my hope for sharing this is to give you an enlightening look at something we never talk about in society.  people feel like they can share their physical illnesses openly, because hey, you can't help being born with certain issues.  but there's still so much of a stigma around sharing mental illnesses, even though it's really the same thing.  the truth is, i have a mental illness.  my life is a daily struggle, but i am doing something about it.  i was receiving treatment up in san francisco, and i'm currently looking for a therapist here in los angeles.  in the meantime, i hope that being honest about this will be a liberating way for me to deal with my OCD, right now.  i've hidden it from everyone {sometimes even from myself} for so long that it feels really empowering to call it out in this public way.  with that said, it's still totally terrifying to write all this down and put it out there.

so there you have it.  life is pretty fucking hard.  but it doesn't mean that we have to lie down and take it.  we can educate ourselves about what exactly is happening, figure out what can be done about it, and then take action.  the rest is all about embracing the beautiful side of life, which is exactly what i hope my blog can be about. 

and just because i want to end on a happy note, here is my favorite thing this week:
{photo}


ps - i have the most wonderful, amazing, patient, supportive husband in the world! he deserves a metal for everything he puts up with living with me.

44 comments:

  1. I know it’s not easy for someone to tell the world about their daily struggle in life. You are still the same Kim to me, I don’t care about your mental illness,
    it’s good that you finally being opened about this and this is where the journey begins.

    Take one step at a time. No one is perfect. We all have to embrace our imperfection. Thank you for sharing this Kim. You have a beautiful heart * hugs*

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  2. hello,
    from a strange person across the seas=! I enjoy your blog and think you're v. spirited and brave - sometimes I think we should get to have a shadow blog where all the hard stuff goes ... but then, you remind me that it's all mixed in, in life and art. Thanks for you posts!
    Simmone

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  3. One of my closest friends has OCD and I remember people didn't understand and would purposely do things to freak her out. Feet were her biggest issue and at every gathering, someone always had to put feet on her or in her face. I didn't completely understand until she really talked about all of it with me in a similar way that you've done here. I understand my friend better now because of what you wrote. I really appreciate that you did this and I find it to be very brave of you. My friend is much better now than she was in school and I hope that you, too, will find a way to live with this more freely. Good luck, Kim, and THANK YOU for sharing your struggles. No matter what, it always helps to see others as more real. Sometimes in this bloggy world of ours we start making an image that's made up of the pretty photos we see on each other's blogs, but like the quote you posted says "everyone is fighting a hard battle."

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  4. i was really moved by your post and struck by how much strength it must of taken for you to write it, and show such a personal side of you to the world. i really admire you for doing that. it sounds like you have great support in your husband - stay strong. its nothing to be ashamed of or hide!

    and also thank you for your sweet comment! xo

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  5. Oh Kim... thank you for sharing this with us. I think in the blog world it's really easy to pretend everything is happy and perfect. But I honestly appreciate when my favorite bloggers (and you're one of them) share something like this.

    I had a friend who was OCD in the same way that you seem to be. She worked with me at Caribou, which just amazed me because if you want to talk about dirty then a place like that is not a place you want to be. I admired that she dealt with it so well there and the only reason I could even see any difference between her and me (self proclaimed neat freak when I'm at work) was because she'd told me about her OCD. I can't even begin to understand how hard it must be to learn to cope with something like that.

    Once again, thank you for sharing this. I have this feeling that someone somewhere is going to read this and this post will help them cope. And that is amazing.

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  6. this post is touching. you're a very strong woman for sharing such a personal side of you-->"that, I consider admirable." Although this shouldn't be something to keep hidden. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

    I totally agree with you, mental illnesses are just like physical ones, or harder sometimes because people don't support the same way they support others with physical struggles. I wish everybody understood.

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing. I have learned more about you in the last 3+ months of reading your blog than I have in 20+ years of knowing you. I know don't how many years you have suffered with this, but you have done a good job hiding it! I hope life gets easier and you are an inspiration! Love you!

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  8. I admire you so much for sitting down and typing this out. It takes great courage to be that self aware and I am so proud of you for putting it out there, if only just for your own personal healing. xoxo

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  9. Thank you for sharing this. I really empathize with you... You must be a brave and strong person to not only have to go through this every day but to be able to write it out and let all of us know. I've never heard a personal account of what real OCD, and I am sorry you have to go through it.
    Best wishes and thanks for enlightening us.

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  10. Kim, I had no idea. Thank you so much for sharing your story. One of my best friends in college who I lived and shared a room with had OCD, so I've seen how difficult it can be first hand. I think it's wonderful that you have so many understanding people in your life. You're an incredible person and knowing that you go through this everyday makes you that much more incredible.

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  11. I think you are amazing for writing about this. I have never heard someone speak about their own personal experiences with OCD. Will you please keep writing about it? That's the only way to help other people understand what you go through.

    Also? HUGS. You are amazing!

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  12. Oh, Kim - I am so glad you shared this on today's post! It's so brave of you to take that step...and it's so wonderful that you've shared these facts about OCD that most people don't know. The term "OCD" is overused in our culture, but unless you've studied psychology, they don't understand the magnitude of it. Life is indeed hard, and you are so amazing by still radiating joy to the people around you. You really are amazing, Kim! :) Thank you for allowing us an honest glimpse of you - it makes us love you all the more! :)

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  13. Thanks for sharing, I can't imagine how hard that is to live with. Though it's good to learn more about it, now I can meet people with OCD with more understanding.

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  14. Thank you for sharing this story! I think that is so BRAVE of you to do. God Bless you! :)

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  15. thank you for sharing this! i can't imagine the emotions you must be experiencing right now but wow, i love getting to know you more and the honesty you are willing to share with us! good luck, and know that you're loved!

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  16. I am so thankful you shared this with "us". Blogging often paints a picture of people's lives that only show the best; almost tv sitcom-esq . But the truth is we ALL have things we struggle with, we all have our deep dark secrets that often seem too shameful to share with the world. But when we are honest and truthful (like you my dear) the can learn that the world has more people who want to show love and support than not.
    So thank you, thank you for opening that that locked door whom so few have entered.

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  17. Oh, Kim. Thanks for being so brave and posting about this. It was beautifully written and again, so, so brave. Bravo to you!

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  18. Wow, Kim. I had no idea what a difficult struggle you were going through. I must confess that there have been times when I've felt envious of your life, which always looks and sounds so exciting and fun. That being said though, it's always been clear to me that you are a strong woman, and one of substance. You have so much empathy for others, and I'm so glad that you've written this piece and shared your struggle with us, so that others can have empathy for you and others who are suffering {and develop a greater understanding of OCD}. I was moved to tears as I read this post. I hope you're able to find a good therapist in Los Angeles, and that you continue to embrace the beautiful side of life. Your blog is very much about that to me and so many others. I'm glad it's a place for you to escape to.

    Sending you a really big hug. You are so brave!

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  19. I said others way too many times in my last comment. How annoying!

    PS: Forgot to say, the "irrelephant" thing totally made me laugh!

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  20. Thank you for sharing, and being honest about all you have to deal with. you are inspirational.

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  21. Thank you so much for being so open about your life. It helps us feel like we are not alone!
    Thank you!

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  22. We all struggle with things in life yet not everyone is willing to talk about it / put it out there. Thanks for sharing your struggles with OCD with us, your honesty is completely inspiring!

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  23. Thanks you for sharing that. I think the media has made light of OCD but living with it is the pits. I had a friend who was and it took some perspective on my part to understand.Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. Peace.

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  24. thank you SO MUCH for sharing with us, and i'm glad that i was able to help in your decision to be honest. xoxoxo

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  25. Kim you are sooo brave sharing all this with us and we ADORE you for it!

    Don't ever be shy about talking on your blog about you!! and all of you.

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  26. I love you for this! Thank you for sharing this incredibly difficult illness. Your husband loves you very much I can tell. I know I can't say much in a comment but this post just makes me want to grab some hot chocolate together and talk for hours.

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  27. I really liked this post, your honesty was amazing. My brother suffered from OCD for 6 years, and it was so hard to see him going through that. It's nothing like you see on tv.
    Thank you so much again for being honest, you sound like such a strong person. xoxo

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  28. Thanks for sharing Kim. You're right, we far too often act like everything is perfect in the blogosphere because this is where most of us come to be positive, but we should be honest with one another too. I would never have known that you had OCD or how much of a challenge it has been in your life. Would you mind if I asked about how you deal with OCD in your every day life? As a future educator I'd love to know how to help my future students who do have OCD (not just the straight pencil phenomenon that is far too often called OCD).

    PS - Your elephant photo is too funny!

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  29. Kim, thank you for your candid honesty. I am grateful to have learned more about OCD as well. It is perfect for us readers to hear that life is not sunshine and rainbows, because it isn't for anyone. I hope now, that you'll feel more balance between your blogging life and everyday life. We all love you the same. :)

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  30. This is really brave of you to share with your readers. Thanks for teaching me more about OCD.

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  31. Thank you for sharing this. As someone with a depression (a whole different mental monster), I understand how hard it is to talk about these things, especially with the stigma society has towards mental illness. Thank you, you writing this is helping me gain the courage to talk to friends and family who don't know about my problems and who I am scared to death to tell about this.

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  32. Suddenly your apartments make so much more sense to me. It's like a part of me is saying, "Oh, THAT'S who Kim is." You are rounder and deeper to me now, and I understand you better. Thank you.

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  33. my friend has OCD, and i didn't know this about her for a couple of years. i hate how there are so many opportunities that she misses because of this illness.

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  34. Kim, I know we've just become acquainted, but in that short time, your blog has become an instant favorite. Thank you for finding the strength to share this with your readers. I am glad I got to know more about what makes you so unequivocally you.

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  35. I LOVE You for being so honest about your struggles with OCD. I am so so so sorry that you have it, but I am also glad that your 'case' isn't as bad as other peoples! You are such a strong woman and you're very brave for being so honest, open and raw.
    PS I am so happy that you found the Mister too, I bet he helps a lot! :)

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  36. Your honesty is very inspiring to us all and I'm very happy that this blog is a way to chronicle all that is beautiful in life and as a means of liberation and empowerment. :)

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  37. beautiful writing! i dont know a lot about clinical OCD, so this was really eye opening. i'm sure it took some guts to share, but thank you for doing so. your spirit to overcome these challenges is truly inspiring!

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  38. oh girl. it is brave of you to be honest and let it all hang out. life isn't 100% easy and perfect for any of us! and it is nice when folks are honest and can admit reality on their blogs!

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  39. Kim, it is really inspiring that you share this in your blog and truly informative...i commend you for taking the time to share something so personal! your posts always bring a smile to my face and this was no exception. XOXO.

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  40. Hi! My name is Marjorie..this is my first time on your blog. I just wanted to tell you that this is an honest and well-delivered post about a condition you are living with. I read it thoroughly, truly "listened," and felt your pain. Even more so, I felt your strength.

    You are a wonderful person. I'm glad I found your blog.

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  41. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with OCD. I can't imagine how difficult that must be on a daily basis and I also understand that it's beyond your control. I am glad you shared your struggles with us; think of how many people you are helping just by discussing it openly. I would never undermine the severity of the situation and I wish you all the best.

    I'm also glad you found such a loving and supportive hubby to help you through. *HUGS*

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  42. You are so brave to talk about this publicly. While I don't think I make my life out to seem perfect or something it's not on my blog, I totally shy away from the really hard issues. And I understand what you mean about being frustrated when people say things like "Oh yeah, I have that too"--I have had severe generalized anxiety disorder since I was a kid (though I'm very lucky that medication has it mostly under control now), and it makes me crazy when people say "Oh my god I totally had a panic attack"--I know I should just accept that people don't really understand it, but it's hard when they really don't get the depth of it.

    It's really inspiring that you shared all this, Kim--thank you. <3

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  43. I know how hard your struggle to get through a day must be. Mom and I talked when you were little and we wondered about OCD then. It was really obvious in a few ways, like when you would get something on your hands...and that was as a baby. But no compulsion will ever make me feel any differently about you. I love you and i always will! And BRAVO to you for releasing yourself from the need to keep it a secret! Hugs to both you and Dannon.

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  44. Kim, thank you so much for being so candid, open, and honest in this post! I'm in a clinical psych doctorate program and could not be a louder cheerleader for you right now, as you bravely and forthrightly write about your experience with OCD. I could see you as being a valuable member of NAMI or a similar advocacy group, given how eloquently you shared everything. Based on all the supportive comments that others have left here, it is so clear that you're touching others with your story. Your ability to communicate your experiences is such an amazing and powerful gift!

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